Growing up, I thought I had an ideal home.
I knew I hated my dad and my sisters bullied me, but I thought it was all normal. I used to beg my mom to divorce my dad. I used to daydream that I would find out my dad wasn’t my real dad. I spent as much time as I could at friends houses or my grandparents.
"No one was safe when he was angry."
The reason is because he was sexually molesting my older sisters and myself. He was also emotionally and psychologically abusive to all of us, but especially my mom. We all had to walk on eggshells to avoid his explosive anger and mood swings. No one was safe when he was angry.
He didn’t necessarily ever hit us, intimidation was his game and belittling and gaslighting. He would yell and tell me I was the only kid they ever had a problem with, they never should’ve never had me, they only had me to try for a boy, etc. Then he would pretend it never happened.
There were no boundaries and you were ridiculed when you tried to put one up. He would humiliate us in public by pulling our pants down, he would rub my leg in public after I told him to stop.
I remember once we had a foreign exchange student living with us (that poor German) and my dad started yelling and berating me for “eating all the bread” I was so confused because I hadn’t and I argued with him. Afterwards he said “Good job, I was trying to get Patrick to stop eating all the bread. You went along great, you did perfect.” I didn’t realize until I was older how manipulative that was. I was so confused, angry and disoriented, then he tried to make it like I was in on his intimidation game. I didn’t realize until I was older that he was was molesting me.
"I was strange and I was hyper sexual and played with barbies in a sexual manner at a young age."
I had friends question what was going on because I didn’t act normally. I was strange and I was hyper sexual and played with barbies in a sexual manner at a young age. My mom was extremely empathetic and religious. She was a great mom, but she would never leave him. Still to this day, she has advanced Alzheimer’s and he is mean to her and makes fun of her but there is nothing I can do.
As I started dating I started dating manipulative emotionally and psychologically abusive boys, not as extreme as my dad and never sexually abusive though. It was all I knew. That was love, right? I finally met my husband. I did not know what to do with this guy that didn’t play mind games. I finally opened up to him about my dad and he encouraged me to get therapy.
I’m not perfect but I’m so proud that I broke the damn cycle. I know my dad was abused by his mom who was abused by her parents. I’m still healing and I have a long way to go, I have setbacks, but I’m on the right road. I have bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD that I am on a strict regimen of pills and therapy and I exercise 5 times a week as part of my recovery.
My kids are happy and though I know I’m not perfect, I broke the damn cycle.